Indecisiveness is something that I struggle with to this day, which kind of shows how dependent I am at times on other people’s opinions and choices as I have trouble believing that my idea is worthy of being chosen. 

Now imagine to my surprise when I found myself feeling lost and fussy with my own gender identity and sexuality—a personal matter that no one else can dictate but myself. It almost felt like my clothes were continuously stripped away every second until I found the perfect match. 

And I did, eventually, until I didn’t.

For years, I have lived most of my days finding comfort and security in my identity and preference as it was something I never really had an issue dealing with. I was so convinced that I was contented with what I identify as and that it was an issue I have long resolved, that it was a match made in heaven with what resonates with me the most. 

Unfortunately, the pandemic came. And while businesses were closed down, so did my closet.

The Peak of the Pandemic Crisis: IDENTITY-19

Spending most of your time with nothing but a device for you to consume multiple media all at once while camping in your room is an easy way to have discussions with the council—aka your mind, heart, and soul. And while discussions are meant to be good as it helps you reevaluate and realign yourself with a long-overdue matter, they can cause an internal conflict that will have you feeling agitated for as long as it stays.

During the first few weeks of the quarantine period, my preference was at a standstill as it has always been years ago. I happily consumed different media to keep myself busy and entertained, especially after submitting my requirements for the semester, and never really paid mind to what was waiting to be released from inside me.

At some point, I found myself carrying that weight of confusion and indifference with how my body felt, almost as if it wasn’t mine, to begin with. Soon enough, I started identifying the pain points that were bothering me until it lead me to question myself. 

I knew dismissing the elephant in the room and bottling up my frustrations wasn’t going to end well for me so I decided to search every nook and cranny of the Internet for articles about gender identity and sexuality. Though I had a reasonable viewpoint about the community it was not enough for me to understand them at a personal level until I was urged to. 

Throughout the relearning period, I felt educated enough on the spectrums of identity and sexuality along with the pronouns that every person prefers to be addressed. And with the learnings that I have accumulated, I eventually applied them to myself as it felt like it was something I resonated with.

But each time, without fail, I would end up feeling dissatisfied with the set of clothes I wore.

Get in Loser, We’re Rearranging the Clothes in the Closet

Imagine receiving that month-end message from your postpaid network midday except it’s me messaging you every month on the identity and sexuality and preferred pronouns I thought I resonated in.

I am sure by now that my friends are not surprised by every “coming out” message I sent throughout the quarantine period up until this day. And I am sure by now as well how rushed it seems with how I religiously change my look every month. 

And I can tell you right now that it is tiring to deal with this constantly evolving identity crisis. 

One day I would wake up feeling like a non-binary bisexual, then the next I would be a non-binary panromantic asexual; then the next an asexual aromantic, genderfluid demiromantic bisexual, panromantic asexual. Until I eventually ran out of clothes to wear.

It wasn’t that I did not feel contented anymore, it was simply for the reason that I knew that that identity wasn’t me, let alone see myself wearing that in the long run. For a moment, I felt that sense of satisfaction until my external and internal environments alerted me to realize that it’s not that yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy dressing up for no occasion but it reached the point that maybe wearing pajamas for some time should help me bring back the relaxed, homey feeling. 

And it did. 

You’re in For a (P)ride!

After taking my time off from worrying and stressing over which identity and sexuality scream “Alex” more, the happier and more comfortable I have become. Though that feeling of frustration kept lingering from time to time, I learned to let it be as it is and reminded myself that that emotion will eventually soften and flow through the liquids in my body.

Similar to gender and sexuality, it is fluid; it is free and uncaged, it refuses to stay still and that’s what makes it beautiful, and it took me two whole years to acknowledge this.

I have spent most of my life boxing myself to one identity and sexuality as it was easier for me to explain and tell people and group myself with those who belong to the same community as I do, without realizing that it limited my abilities, freedom, and understanding of myself. Even worst, it narrowed down my exploration path, which lead to my state of feeling lost and confused.

So, if there’s one thing I would remind myself and everyone else: don’t be afraid to get to know yourself better, from your preferences down to your identity. It can get scary, it is scary after thinking you’ve known yourself for a long time, but it’s so much scarier not acknowledging that part of you. 

Let this be a reminder that you are so much more than the label and that that very label does not take away the value and worth you have as a person. You can strip away the pride that causes boundary between you and a person, the pride that causes trouble and pain, but never the pride that wraps you in warmly—yourself.