*as told to Francesca Fernandez | Trigger Warning: Suicide

I decided to take my own life a few years back.

My past self would have been disappointed at the failure of my attempt, but my present self is thankful, regretful, and at the same time joyful to be given this second chance at life. My future self will hopefully learn more from this experience. 

Prior to the act, I had a few rough months due to the multiple challenges that came my way. There was that great feeling of being homesick after a really memorable vacation with my family in the Philippines. There was also that feeling of being let down after being rejected from an opportunity I was desperately praying for. Finally, there was that great weight of pressure from my family about my current career which made me go down a series of overthinking about my future and purpose in life.

These thoughts paved the way for a version of myself that welcomed darker thoughts where even minor inconveniences became victims of my mind. I began overthinking everything around me, making me vulnerable to the idea that I may be the most useless person on earth and that everyone’s life would be much better with me gone. That was the most undesirable version of my mind. 

That’s when I decided to take my own life.

It wasn’t grand, there was no major traumatic event. I was just really tired and I felt like I was losing the better side of myself to the side that always succumbed to feelings of darkness.

I felt alone, I felt like I had no one to run to, and it seemed like that was the end of all good things for me. The bottle of pills became my friend, and with a great feeling of numbness and peace, I gulped down my saviors. At that exact moment, there were no hints of fear and I decided to die without hesitation. 

After trying to end my life, my next memory was waking up feeling much different from the last few moments I was awake. I was extremely scared. What happens after this? What about my job, parents, family, and boyfriend? What would they think about this? Hallucinations started kicking in and I had a few rough weeks. If not for my boyfriend who took the time to check up on me despite the distance, my guilt and fears would have led me to another series of overthinking.

My moment of epiphany happened at a Psychology Ward. After witnessing other patients who were less able and sicker than I was, the realization hit me of how blessed I truly am.

I am here, I am sane, and I have friends and family who stood by me every step of the way.

These were enough to stop me from falling into another cycle of darkness, and that’s when I started turning my back on these dangerous thoughts. 

I decided to take my own life a few years back and I learned a lot from it. The whole experience made me realize my worth as a person, it made me value life more. If death decided to knock on my doors that day, I would have left the world filled with guilt and regret. I truly became thankful for this new chance at life because there’s so much more to life than my struggles.

There’s so much more to experience in life, and I’m thankful I now have ways to cope with these thoughts. Every time I feel like life is starting to become too much, I go back to my love for the water. A few moments moving around the lake or on a paddleboard is now enough to pull me away from darker thoughts. 

For anyone out there who’s struggling the same way I did, breathe. It may sound cliche, but your dark days will end eventually, no matter how long it may take. Speaking from experience, dancing at the tip of the sword of death is truly scary and it will scar you for life. So stay alive.

Feel your emotions but never let them overwhelm you. Remember your blessings and allow these positive thoughts and people, no matter how minor, to fuel your way of living. Take breaks and always go back to the things that make you happy. You can fight through this, trust me.

If you or someone you know are dealing with emotional crisis or thinking of suicide, please reach out to a friend or call the following hotlines:

Hopeline Cebu

• 804 HOPE (4673)
• 0917 558 HOPE (4673)
• 2919 (Globe and TM Subscribers)

Tawag Paglaum Centro Bisaya

• 0939 937 5433
• 0939 936 5433
• 0927 654 1629

National Center for Mental Health Crisis Hotline

• 0966 351 4518