I can never really decide whether I love makeup, or if I absolutely loathe it.

Growing up I loved seeing pictures of my mother back in the ’80s, wearing her cappuccino-colored lipstick that popped so beautifully on her ivory skin, but I hated it against my almond tone.

I loved makeup when I was an aspiring makeup artist (this phase lasted a total of 3 months) but I despised the thought of even Chapstick when women were required to wear makeup in nursing school, while the men got away doing the bare minimum.

I loved makeup when I would be sitting in my vanity painting my face and bringing out the best parts of myself, but I absolutely detested it when society made me feel like I was only as beautiful as the products I put on my face.

About a year ago, I ventured into making a makeup centered video for Bayhana after a P10,000.00 shopping spree in the cosmetics department. I eventually shelved it because even when surrounded by pretty new products, a crapload of nose strips — god forbid women have visible blackheads and whiteheads — and refills of products I swear by, I still couldn’t comprehend how I really felt about makeup.

You see, I’ve spent many years asking myself the following questions:

• Why do I spend thousands of pesos on this sh*t?
• Who am I really doing this for?
• Why are women in the workforce expected to wear makeup, dress “nicely” while men aren’t?
• Is highlighter just shimmer eyeshadow masquerading itself in bigger packaging?

You can only imagine where my thoughts have traveled from there.

In order to get a better understanding of makeup and why women depend on it so much, I took to the internet and found this article by Science of People. In a nutshell, it says that women use makeup for two main reasons:

• Camouflage – to allow women to “blend in”
• Seduction – to allow women to “stand out”

Those, my friends, are two polar opposites. But the list goes on:

“Women have it drilled into them from a young age that to be successful in everything, from dating to job interviews to forming friendships with other popular girls, they need to be pretty.

It may not be fair, but according to the Association for Psychological Science, attractive people are treated more favorably in every area of life, from dating to jobs to criminal trials.”

So… is makeup basically a woman’s way of saying, “I want to be treated like a decent human being and I can only do so by making the extra effort of spending a portion of my earnings — on top of all the other things women specifically need to spend for for their biological needs — and allotting at least 15 minutes to 2 hours a day to look like what society deems as pretty?

It also says in the article that,

“Women naturally tend to have darker lips and skin around the eyes. So, our brains subconsciously note that as a sign of femininity. The more color contrast between a woman’s eyes and lips and her skin tone, the more feminine—and thus evolutionary attractive—she is seen to be. Lipstick and eye shadow are makeup staples because they enhance those features.

Note: The effect of enhanced outer eye and lip color is greatest on straight men, since they biologically are wired to be drawn to feminine-looking, fertile women.”

So… are we doing this to attract a partner?

As a married woman, I’ve been told multiple times by older women to not “let myself go” and to never stop making the effort to look beautiful for my husband, otherwise he’ll go looking for a younger, more attractive woman.

So… on top of building my career, managing a household, eventually raising children and tending to my husband, I still need to make sure that I look like I walked out of a photoshoot every single day? 

You’ve got to be kidding me.

I also attempted to research as to why women are required to wear makeup in the workforce as compared to men, and no article or study could provide me with a sensible reason other than the double standards set in the community and workforce that women need to try twice or more than men do.

And yet, given all this information — why am I not running towards my makeup nook voraciously getting rid of all my makeup?

Why am I patiently waiting for the next online sale so I can check out the Lovely Causemetics makeup brush set?

Why did I just purchase eyelash glue in an attempt to learn how to apply fake eyelashes?

Am I hypocrite? Am I a complete juxtaposition for everything I, as Bayhana, stand and fight for?

Absolutely not.

In a video I released a year ago where I asked women questions men had but were too afraid to ask, I posed the question, “Why do women wear makeup?”

The answers were simple: It made women feel confident, it’s a source of joy, and makeup allowed women to feel good about themselves. I agree with all these things.

I think the question I would like to ask now is, “Why don’t guys wear makeup?”

Interesting fact, they do. They have been! They absolutely can!

My complicated relationship with makeup is, in reality, actually quite simple: I like makeup when I’m doing it for myself.

When I paint my face because I want to show off the best version of myself, I feel confident. I feel like I can take over the world with my signature winged eyeliner and a cute outfit to match. I appreciate art, freedom of expression, creativity and that’s what makeup allows me to do. 

When I practice my strokes on the blank canvas that is my face, it allows me to appreciate the sun spots, the laugh lines, the bags that mark the sleepless nights I’ve spent working hard on my craft, and I feel gratitude. I begin to appreciate myself, my beauty, my grit. That’s something nobody can take away from me.

When I’ve had a crappy day and a quick 5-minute makeup look gets me in the right mood, I feel hopeful. I feel a sense of optimism in the fact that if doing this makes me feel better, how much better will I feel if I holistically took care of myself? And then I am reminded of how important self-care and self-love are.

I like makeup when I’m doing it for myself. When the world tells me to do it for other people — whether to keep the affection and attention of my partner, to please people who probably have very little significance in my life or for whatever stupid reason — I simply walk out the door with nothing but sunblock on my face because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone other than to myself.

I currently have a wide collection of lipstick in my vanity with almost every color you can think of, including a cappuccino-colored like the one my mother had. I wear it on occasion and, although it sits on my lips like a nude lipstick instead of popping out like in the photos I’ve seen of my mother, I’ve learned to love how we are all different and how makeup and all their shapes, shades and sizes play different roles in our lives.

Bronzer to you may be blush to me. Red lipstick that you use on your lips go under my eyes sometimes as a color corrector. That gold shimmer you keep in your vanity for special occasions? I use that as my highlighter because I recently broke my highlighter pan and am too cheap to get a new one. 

They work all the same. Or at least they do for me.